February 2010

To join, click here:www.herfirstbigcock.com

I wonder if I’ve ever been any one’s “first big cock.” Probably not. My dick is a shade larger than average, but not anything for a chick to remember as “her first big cock.” Except that primordial dwarf. I bet she’s still reeling from my hog.

Firstly I am going to let you in on a secret — I doubt that ANY of these chicks have lacked in the big cock area prior to this site. In other words, they’ve probably engulfed a 10 incher or two before their film debut. But I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and pretend that they are pristine virgins who are appalled at the size of these lunkers the gentlemen on HerFirstBigCock.com are sporting.

The chicks themselves are fine. Fine as fuck, in fact (that’s called alliteration, guys — lots of F’s going on there). They are not the amateur chick next door type — more like the hot little slut that you always thought might move to Van Nuys and try to get her cunt in the door at some skin flick studio. Yeah…that chick. She’s right here.

$1 will get you an entire day of basically free porn, and $25 will get you 30 of them. That’s a better deal than “regular”, non-mobile porn, and you really get the same shit — just more mobile. Sounds like ti should be more expensive, if you ask me.

Oh — and I almost forgot to mention the mobile part. Get your iPhone or Droid or whatever-the-fuck smart phone you have and go to this fucker. That’s what it’s made for — for you to be able to get high quality, excellent porn right there in your hand. No, your OTHER hand. So, dick in your one hand, porn in the other. You’ve got the whole world in your fucking hands, man!

7 out of 10

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To join, click here:www.couplesseduceteens.com

I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually been seduced. That is, unless you consider it seduction to have my poot hole hammered away at with a Tootsie Pop by the Girl Friday at a local title insurance company. If that’s the case, then I’ve been seduced about 7 or 8 times.

Here we are reviewing yet another mobile site, CouplesSeduceTeens.com. Why so many mobile sites? Because we’re cutting edge, motherfuckers. I am always way out in front of the trends, man. Get this – I was the first person to ever beat off using Vaseline as lube. True story. Before I did that shit, Vaseline was used solely as a butthole slickner and a cheap lip balm.

Couples Seduce Teens is one of those sites where, well…couples seduce teens. No, I don’t believe they’re *really* seducing them — I think the money they’re being paid is doing the seducing. But that matters not — the fantasy of an older, but attractive, couple talking some perky little noob into get tagged by them is hot as FUCK. There are few things hotter than watching a barely legal chick eat the snatch right out of a MILF. It’s the stuff that dreams are made of.

Take $1 out of your wallet and have a good look at it. Pretty boring, huh? You can turn that measly, boring-ass buck into 24 hours of 3-some pussy sex at Couples Seduce Teens. Yeah, I thought that might pique your interest. If you like it, $19.95 will get you 30 more days. If you don’t like it, then you need to go buy some quick setting concrete and encase your cock in it, because that fucking thing has had it.

A really nice 2 on 1 site. Seriously — of all of the mobile sites I have seen to date, this one is my go to site.

9 out of 10

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To join, click here:www.asianparade.com

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Probably not, but here it is anyway — a porno site called Asian Parade had BETTER be a gaggle of naked Chinese chicks, prancing around a filthy city street amongst various, hanging fowl carcasses, flaunting sparklers and one of those giant, snake-like China-dragons.

Damn. No such luck. But this may be the next best thing — AsianParade.com is an all Asian smut site made specifically for smart phones. That means you can whittle your wood on the road…anywhere, anytime. Not that you couldn’t or didn’t do that before — but now you can actually look at high quality, clear and crisp porn videos, instead of looking at that crusty old bag lady sitting in her own shit on the back of the bus.

The good thing, in my opinion, about mobile sites like AsianParade is that they are very straightforward. There’s no room for bullshit on a mobile phone, so they cut out the unnecessary crap and leave only what you want — the puss. And speaking of that, the gash is top rate. All Asians (of course), and all really top notch. Not like that mean Asian cunt that yells at you when she takes your order at The China Star Restaurant.

Even more luckily for you and I — they have the highly coveted $1 trial on this site. $1 will only get you a day– but oh boy what a day it will be. I bet you donuts to dollars that you will walk around the streets of Anyplace, USA for 24 hours, fucking your fist all the while. When you’re done, you can join monthly for only $20. That’s a hell of a deal, fellas.

If you like Asian chicks, mobile phones and beating off, here you go!

7.5 out of 10

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To join, click here:www.extremebabes.com

If you’re like me — wait, you’re probably not…but still — if you need some crazier than usual shit to get a nut, then no amount of college chickery, MILF sexery or hot chickening will do the trick. You need some fucked up shit to take you to the promised land. Me? Well, these days it pretty much takes a half pint of heavy whipping cream, a subscription to Highlights Magazine and a black scorpion stinging me in the nutsack for me to even contemplate having an orgasm.

ExtremeBabes.com features hot, professional gals doing everything from sucking monstrous dicks to shoving produce in their cunts to squirting titty milk across the room. If you want something off the beaten path, you need a site like ExtremeBabes.

And, of course, it’s mobile. That means you can take that sick, freaky little secret fetish of yours on the road where it belongs. Hole your freaky self up in a no tell motel and speed bag your cock to some of the kinkiest shit on wheels.

Go grab yourself a one day trial. It’s only a dollar — even cheaper than that giant cucumber that Rachel shoves into her pink twat on this site. If you like it, and the general consensus of life says that you will, you can get the entire site of unlimited downloads for less than $20 per month. Think about it — this mobile shit is cheaper per MONTH than renting just 2 hotel room porns. And they usually don’t show this kind of freaky shit in the Radisson.

Not too shabby at all. Mobile smut is the way of the future, folks. Time to get with it. Start with Extreme Babes.

8 out of 10

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To join, click here:www.cutestgirls.com

Know the problem with going out and trying to score a real, live under-21 chick? You never know if that sneaky bitch is lying about her age or not. In fact, you can assume she is, as that little cunt’s mouth is moving and, assuming your dick is not in it, lying’s about all it does until she’s 30 years old. That’s why I only check out the college aged crowd on porn sites. Safe sex at it’s safest, my friends. Then, when you want a real slab of cunny, you can drag yourself to the bar at closing time and lip one of the late night straggler MILFs.

Okay — so the first good part of the site is that it’s mobile. Usually I mention the hot chicks first (and there are PLENTY of them here), but it’s worth mentioning right from the get go that this is not an ordinary site that shows up tiny on your smart phone. This is formulated for you to watch right on your phone, clear as fuck, and whack your smelly cock off to. It’s damn, damn good shit on the go.

Secondly, as mentioned, the chicks are stunning. These aren’t amateurs, these aren’t the chicks next door. These are bitches that would cost you your house and car just for a BJ. But they’d be worth it, especially considering the fact that you live in your Mom’s house still, and that your car has a Domino’s sign welded to the top of it.

There is bad, though, and that’s the fact that it’s not all that graphic. “Tastefully nude,” is how they put it. That draws an immediate yawn from me. Maybe I’m just a sick fuck, but I NEED me some hardcore penetration shit to get a nut. Gotta have it. A site like this is okay for a warm up, but I need more to finish Ol’ Charley off.

But you can get a day for only $1, so that’s damn worth it for sure. And who knows — you might love this shit. I’m sure many do, since it’s a big time site. Go check it out for a day — it might change your life.

6.5 out of 10

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To join, click here:www.pvstrips.com

I’m not a huge fan of gentlemens clubs, I have to admit. They’re a frustrating mess for me. I can’t touch ‘em, I can’t fuck ‘em, and when I start to beat off in the $14 diet soda I just bought them, they get all cunty with me.

The other shitty thing is that, no matter how many times I beg and beg, they won’t come into the bathroom with me. Fucking prudes. But now, folks, now I can skip the failed convincing. Now I can get all hard and bendy up in the private area with a lap dance, then shuffle off to a shit stall, pull out my smart phone, crank up a video on PVStrips.com, and smack out a “strip club stall special” (this term is copyrighted and may not be reused or retransmitted in any form without the express written consent of Satan himself).

Mobile porn is the last frontier before they actually start creating robots that are stored next to the hotel room mini-bar that we can all set up and fuck while were out of town on business. Until they perfect that little slice of nirvana, my #1 crank choice is to go on to my smart phone and look at unlimited smut at sites like this here PVStrips.

This particular site, however, is not my #1 choice. That’s because the chicks are basically digitized strippers. That’s cool if you dig the tease aspect. I don’t handle that very well. These are videos of chicks stripping, behind the scenes videos and all kinds of shit like that. But to their credit, the chicks are a lot hotter on here than in Club Rose that you’re currently thinking of going to about 2 clicks down the road from that hotel you’re staying at in Hoboken.

Do this — open your Star Wars wallet up and look inside. How much cash do you have? Do you have $1? Can I borrow it? Just kidding — take that $1 and use it to join this site for a day just to see what you think. That’s all you need, feller. And you only need that $20 bill sitting next to it for full, unlimited access for an entire THIRTY days. Not a bad deal.

All in all, it wasn’t my favorite site, but I love the mobile format. Go mobile, you road warrior, you.

6 out of 10

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To join, click here:www.mobilemilfvideos.com

I love the upsurge in all of this Cougar talk. MILFs, Cougars and Whores, oh my! I think it’s fan-fucking-tastic that older ladies are finally getting their due. The snotty little fresh cunts have ruled the scene far too long for being inexperienced and unprepared to wrangle when a big feller comes swinging before their face. A MILF, on the other hand, can tackle that veiner, make it submit in less than 2.5 seconds and have that crank crying, “Uncle” before one of those other chicks would even be able to pick a dick out of a lineup. That’s what’s up.

And what’s better than getting some pussy videos of stunning MILFs while you’re on the road and NOT paying a cock and a ball for the pay per view at the hotel? Nothing, fuckers…that’s what. And now you can use your smart phone more and more often to get loads of high quality porn. That’s right — for $20 per month you can get unlimited access to MobileMILFVideos.com.

Of course, I am at paragraph 3 and haven’t mentioned the talent level yet, which means you’re as cranky as a crocodile with the clap. Well, it’s fucking top notch. The MILFs they have in their stable are true porn stars. Top level talent — the shit that fantasies are made of, man. And there’s tons of it, too. One thing it doesn’t appear you’re going to have to worry about as a member of MobileMILFVideos, and that’s talent level and amount of content.

And price is of no concern at Mobile MILF Videos either. $20 per month is dirt cheap for shit like this. And if you’re still skiddish, a) stop being such a fucking pussy, it’s just $20 and b) try their one day, $1 trial membership. That ought to get your panties wet enough to get off your wallet and give it a try.

A really dandy mobile wank site. I’d fucking buy it to fend off that lonely night in Albuquerque, I’ll tell you that much.

8 out of 10

Visit MobileMilfVideos.com