March 2010

Last time I left ol’ Granny’s place
It was awkward, to say the least
We small-talked a bit, but it was hard to ignore
That her ass was all bloody and greased

So I stayed away from Grandma’s place
For a good 6 months, it is true
But I’ll be damned if I didn’t head back
The moment my balls turned to blue.

Knocked on the door, surprised her a bit
She came to the door in a thong
And hanging down between her legs
Was a 16 inch rubber dong

She greeted me with a wet, sloppy kiss
Looks like we’d begin where we stopped
I slipped a finger up into her ass
She did the same, then we swapped

Went down to the floor, never closed the door
She pulled out my crank, it was hard
She jerked it around for a minute or two
Then shoved it into her back yard.

That surprised me a bit, she usually lubed
But if she liked it, I was fine with it too
Turns out she was a little slick anyway
She’d forgotten to wipe off the poo

We rolled around for a while or so
She came, then I followed suit
Gave her a smack and rose to my feet
She let out a bubbly poot

Once again it was awkward when I had to go
What do you say after that?
She gave me a pie and a quick Johnny tug.
I shot my load on her cat.

As I drove off I had a terrible thought
Was that the last time I’d be in her fanny?
Who knew, but if it was I can say
I’ll always remember butt fuckin’ granny.

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It’s amazing to me how a female can look totally hot from one angle at one moment, but the very next moment from a different angle, she looks like a Warted Gourd that someone has taken a loose shit all over. Once, in college, I fucked this chick that I SWEAR was pretty cute when the club lights were low and the bedroom lights were off, but when the sun came up the next day she looked like an extra in the Thriller video. Tricky sluts.

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For those of you who like to watch a chick settle in by her lonesome, whip out a plastic dildo that could choke a hippopotamus, and shove that squiggly motherfucker as far into her snatch as God will allow — check out our Top 10 Solo Chick sites.  They make my wiener come snake-charming out of my trousers.

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Why is it that guys will talk about everything from farting to fucking to sniffing their finger when it breaks through the toilet paper — but very few will fess up to their masturbatory tactics? What the fuck is so embarrassing about frigging yourself — especially since you, I and the whole fucking world knows that every guy in existence is doing it (besides Stephen Hawking, of course). And I’m always looking for new ways to improve, and I know you pussies are too. So all of you chicken shits listen up — I’m about to break the unwritten man code.

Some of my earliest memories of masturbating involve taking out my emaciated little flesh-Cheeto out and rubbing on the TV screen as Madonna rolled around in a gondola on the “Like a Virgin” video. I have no idea what I was thinking with that amateur move, as if she was gonna go all Poltergeist on my cock by coming out of the TV and grabbing it. But hey — we all gotta start somewhere, right?

As the years went by, I progressed through experimentation. I have used almost anything you can think of as lube, mostly out of necessity, although admittedly some substances were used out of curiosity. I’ve beat off with Vaseline, spit, Preparation H, soap, lotion, shampoo, dog shampoo, cold bacon grease, hair gel, tanning lotion and every type of anal and vaginal lube on the market.

I’ve also beat off in countless locations including, but not limited to, every room in every house/apartment I’ve ever lived in, my car, an airplane bathroom, a public library bathroom, a public library, a tanning bed, several boats, every shower I’ve ever set foot in, beach hammocks in more than one country and a newspaper office.

As I reach middle age, I’ve yet to let up on my furious masturbatory pace, cranking out knuckle kids at least 6 times per week, every week. I’ve pretty much settled in to Vaseline as my slickner of choice, but I’m open to suggestion. I’m also willing to try new places, as long as they don’t land me in jail. I don’t want to add “Cell Block 11″ to my list of “Places In Which I’ve Beat Off,” nor do I want to start a list of “Places In Which I’ve Been Anally Raped.”

And finally, the weird part. When I use lube I beat off with my left hand, but when I don’t have the resources and/or want to try to get a little rough with my wiggler, I use my right hand. Those are the moves that feel most natural. What the fuck is that all about? Who, besides me, ambidextrously assaults their cock?

So there it is. I bet you sick motherfuckers have more places, more lubes and more episodes than I do. Now it’s a matter of being man enough to tell us all about it.

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Get out the tub of grease
Hurry, turn out the lights
Shut the door and lock it
Granny’s gettin’ some tonight

Lube up her rear with jelly
Slap her once or twice
Slide your dick up in her butt
Boy…does that feel nice!

Pump and grind against the wall
‘Till the sweat forms on your backs
Careful not to bump the shelf
that holds her good knick-nacks.

Don’t hold back just ’cause she’s old
Give her the old college try
Give her a fish hook (your finger, her mouth)
As you thrust, give her a gouge to the eye

Grab the sag that was her waist
Quicken the pace of the hump
Rough her up – she likes that shit
Shoot your load right on her rump

When you’re done, help clean her up
She’s your Grams after all, wipe her back
She’ll have a smoke and reflect a bit…
wishin’ you were black.

So next time you’re horny and rearin’ to go
and need you some real good fanny
Tell old Gramps to hit the road
and try butt fuckin’ Granny!

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Why is it that I write with my right hand, but jerk off with my left? If I were to try to whack my pole with my right hand, it’d look like a retarded Eskimo trying to spear a seal with his feet. I think it’s because my creator wanted me to be able to jerk off and leave my right hand free to smack myself in the face right before I cum.

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Believe it or not, I have never had a footjob. I have been kicked in the cock on a number of occasions – and on a handful of those occasions I immediately dropped my drawers and started jerking off. It was more of a diversionary tactic than anything, though. If you are ever getting your ass kicked in a fight, just whip out your dick and start whacking off. 100% guaranteed fight-ender.

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I used to have a girlfriend that liked to play a drinking game called “Mama Can’t Fit That.” We’d lay out about 10 things or so that we’d collect from around the house/garage/storage shed and she’d try to stick them in her pussy. If she couldn’t she had to drink a beer. If she could, I had to drink one. We had to stop the game after a few months, though, when she tore a labia trying to shimmy a Dust Buster into her snatch.

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Now that we have an African-American president, I’m surprised that more people aren’t speculating as to the size of his cock.  That was the very first thing I pondered when I woke up the morning after the election — does Barack Obama have the biggest dick of all of the U.S. presidents?

Obviously, he has to at least be in the conversation, what with the (generally accurate) stereotypes about black dicks and all.  That, coupled with the fact that he’s about 6’2″, makes it very likely that he’s smuggling a Thermos down there.  I’ve also noticed a hitch in Michelle’s gait that makes me think she’s getting her kidneys scraped on a regular basis.

But you also have to consider several other former presidents — and eliminate some of them outright — to get a feasible list of the top presidential hogs.  First, the easy eliminations.

Bill Clinton:  Slick Willie, as much of a pussy hound as he was in office, probably doesn’t make the list.  That’s not to take anything away from his sexual prowess.  In fact, I’m willing to bet he could bring it as hard and fast (and for as long) as any other prez.  But you have to remember Bill’s sketchy lineup of chicks in Hilary, Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones.  He wasn’t exactly pulling the Hawaiian Tropic bikini squad like I would think a leader of the free world WITH a hefty cock would have done  (see John F. Kennedy below).  Plus, Clinton was diddling that fat chick with a cigar.  If you have an extraordinary crank, you aren’t going to waste time playing high school games with stogies.  You’re gonna unleash that Patriot Missile and teach that bitch that you are the most powerful motherfucker in the world, and her pussy is physically never going to forget that shit.

Gerald Ford:  Gerald Ford was known for being a klutz.  That motherfucker tripped more times than Timothy Leary.  If he had a big crank, he’d have been much more confident and carried himself with a lot more grace.  Did you ever see John Holmes trip into a pile of pussy?  Of course not.  Point proven.

Franklin D. Roosevelt:  I hate to have to be the one to point out the elephant in the room here, but FDR had a shriveled up polio-dick.  Sorry, them’s just the facts.

There.  Now that we have that out of the way, we can get to the fellas that were most likely to be dragging crank through the halls of the White House.

Barack Obama:  As mentioned, he’s tall, handsome, athletic…and he’s black, for fuck’s sake!  If they had camera phones when he was in college, there’d be so many self-taken pictures of his cock floating around that you’d be able to get originals on eBay for less than $5.  Love him or hate him — the dude’s gotta be packin’ heat.

Teddy Roosevelt:  Have you not heard about this guy?  One time he was preparing to give a campaign speech and someone shot him.  With a gun.  In the fucking chest.  Not only did he live — he still gave the fucking speech!  Holy shit!  He said, “The bullet’s in me now, so I cannot make a very long speech, but I will try my best.”  Then the crazy son-of-a-bitch spoke for NINETY minutes!  This guy had a dick so big he could take a shit and stir it.

George Washington: He fucking started an entire country.  That country went on to become the most powerful country in the world.  George Washington = guy with a really big dick.

Harry S. Truman:  Not sure about his dick, but that motherfucker had to have balls the size of church bells to drop nuclear bombs all across Japan.

Millard Fillmore:  His last name is fucking Fillmore for Chirissakes!

John F. Kennedy:  My guess is that JFK had the biggest dick of all of the presidents.  I have to guess, because we obviously never saw it.  But we damn near did in 1962 when the Russians started fucking around with their missiles in Cuba.  Kennedy diplomatically dealt with the situation that nearly led to the end of the world, but word has it if that didn’t work, he was going to go on live television, pull out his gigantic dick and show it to the world.  This most certainly would have caused the Russians to back down — and the rest of the world to surrender their arms and declare America the most powerful country for the rest of time.

JFK was also married to Jackie Onassis, a stunning piece of ass.  But that wasn’t enough to satisfy his monster pecker, so on the side he was fucking several other women, including the one that was considered the hottest chick in the entire country, Marilyn Monroe.  The hottest chick in the most powerful country in the world doesn’t fuck around with inch worm dicks.  She craved a hog, and a hog is what she got.  And keep in mind that even his scorching hot wife and the hottest chick in the country weren’t enough to satisfy him, as other women have also admitted to affairs.  That, my friends, is a man with a big, hungry dick.

There you have it.  This is by no means an all-inclusive big-dicked-presidents-of-the-United-States list.  Rutherford B. Hayes, for example, seems to me to be the type of guy with a larger than average crank.  But these are the noteworthy ones.  These are the guys that most assuredly did some tissue damage in more than one bedroom.  So here’s to you President Obama, and all of the others that have come before you.  And here’s to our fine country being led by some of the biggest dicks that have ever lived!

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