April 2010

Have you ever beat off so hard that your cock turtled itself up inside of you for a week and wouldn’t come out no matter how many Vaseline baths you offered it?  Well…you’re about to.

Sex With Stephanie is as good as husband and wife sites get.   It may even be better than that.  Stephanie has a body that is so rock solid it could make a fucking statue jealous.  Not only that, when she gets wound up you can actually hear her pussy getting wetter.  It almost percolates like a fucking coffee maker.  This shit is hot.

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One time I feverishly beat off to a video of a dude jerking off while watching some porn of his own, as he hammered away at his dirt hole with a stapler. After about 20 minutes of waiting for the pop shot, I realized that the feed was actually from my own webcam. It sucked, since I has just bought the stapler the week before.

Don’t fuck up like I did.  Visit our cam site reviews, choose a site (they’re all pretty good), pick out your favorite piece of snatch and cyber-hammer the shit out of her.  And for fuck’s sake be a man and buy her some breakfast when you’re done!

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Fucking Asians are ALWAYS thinking about sex, man — I fucking love it!

Holy shit -- that's 200 Dongs!

Want proof?   The name of the currency in Vietnam is the “dong.”   How fucking rock solid is that?   Damn — if it weren’t for that whole spat that we had back inthe late 60s, I’d go over there to visit, just so I could say things like, “How many dongs is that bible?” and, “Brother, can you spare a dong?” and even, “Excuse me, sir…I’d like to give your daughter some dongs.”

As it is, I will stick close to home, cock in hand, and check out PLD’s Asian sites.

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I bet  Adam and Eve fucked constantly. I mean – is there anything in the history of human nature to suggest otherwise? Two naked people frolicking around, unsupervised. No public indecency laws, no one to stop them. I bet Adam used to cum all over that bitch’s face too – and occasionally donkey punch her.  That’s what I bet.

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I have this unconventional urge to, at some point in my life — probably right near the end of it — stick my cock into a wild boar’s mouth. Can’t really tell you why – it’s just a nagging desire that I’m going to have to satisfy one day. Maybe I can find a nice one, or one that really likes sucking man-cock. Or maybe he will shred my dong like confetti. Either way, I have to get it done some day.

What does that have to do with porn?  Not much, except for the cock part.  Well, that and a fellating boar would give rise to a possible adult web site.  And it would probably fall into the BDSM category if it were to happen, I’d guess.  So as you wait for my breathtaking adventure, warm yourself up with some BDSM porn.

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Do vaginas even come with hair anymore, or have chicks just evolved into slick, bald, hairless-pussied beings? I haven’t seen a pussy hair since 1982, when I accidentally walked in on my grandma jamming a Mello Yello bottle into her sliver snatch. I’m cool with it….just wondering why they haven’t mentioned this evolution on CNN or some shit.

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Have you ever constructed a fake pussy or asshole? If not, take pen to paper. You’ll need a jar of Vaseline, a tube sock, some fresh hay and a Thermos. I’m sure you can figure out what to do from there.

Speaking of fake sex pieces and parts, I didn’t have any of the aforementioned materials available to me one day, so I bought this lovely little machine.  It’s easily the best thing that I have put my dick into since I butt fucked that confused Portuguese woman at the laundromat.

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I once beat off for 1 hour and eleven minutes before I was able to cum. I fucked up and joined a porn site featuring retarded, hirsute chicks in wheelchairs. I had no idea that I was not turned on by that sort of thing. I finally got a nut when the chick in the electric wheelchair shit herself and started clapping and crying at the same time.

Speaking of wheelchairs and boners and cripples and such — check out this overachiever.

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I am away from my comfort zone this week.  I had to go out of town, and when I do that it fucks up my entire masturbatory and prostitute fucking/maiming schedule.  I hate it, but sometimes it’s necessary to let things cool off, throw the pigs off the trail, etc.

But there is a silver lining.  Not only do I get to manhandle strange prostitutes like a drifter with a lion’s temper and a gold card, I also get to whack my dangler to mobile porn on my fancy little smart phone.

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