Pink eye is for filthy people
The site: pinkeyesurprise.com
The price:$1.00 trial, $24.95 a month
The verdict: Very different, but I like it. Funny and degrading – like the Golden Girls. 7 out of 10.
Just when I thought that I had run out of new shit to watch in porn, along comes Pink Eye Surprise, a site where the signature move consists of a guy fucking a girl, pulling out and cumming into her eyeball as it’s held open with his fingers. I was going to come up with some snazzy little one-liner about how I used to come in some bizarre orifice on a chick – but I got nothin’. This guy has video evidence. Tip o’ the cap to you, my friend!
Now, I have to decide whether this is genuinely entertaining, or just some fuckers like me trying to come up with the most ridiculous shit they can think of. Well, it’s both. It’s probably a chicken or egg question as to which came first, but I’d guess that these fuckers were bored and wanted a new angle to make some cash on, and one of them blurted this idea out after a few cocktails. Then they ran with it, and it turned out to be a decent degradation niche. And for the record, that’s pronounced “nitchâ€, not “neeshâ€, as some of you Nancy-boys are now pronouncing it. Jesus…what has this world come to?
So, I am guessing there are virtually zero living humans with a cum-in-eye fetish, therefore the question is whether the chicks are hot, the fucking is good and the degradation is strong. Yes to all 3, I’d say. In fact – I like this type of down putting even more than gagging and shit like that – imagine having sperm shot into your fucking eyeball?? Damn…that shit would hurt.
Not sure if it’s your cup of teabags? Try their $1.00 trial membership. Or shit – you could even join for a month ($24.95) and get 50 additional sites – so if you got bored with this one, you would have a shit ton more to empty your boys to.
Very different, but I like it. Funny and degrading – like the Golden Girls.
Visit the site: www.pinkeyesurprise.com
Tastes like chicken.
The site: porn.com
The price:$4.99 – 3 day trial
The verdict: This is it — the Grandaddy of all porn sites. It is impossible to forget the name, and after you first visit it will be impossible for you to forget the content too! 10 out of 10.
This is the part of the review where I usually tell some funny story or shitty joke. Not this time. This is no laughing matter. This is Porn.com This is big time shit.
The fellers over at Pimp Roll (one of our favorite outfits) just paid like 10 billion Dollars or some shit to buy this domain name. Any hack could use Porn.com as a domain name, throw up a few scabs getting donged by a few beefcakes, and make some cash. But these guys didn’t want to “Settle.” They went the extra mile — then went about 100 more. Very impressive.
The first thing that anyone will notice when they grease up and get on Porn.com is the outstanding clarity and quality of their videos and pictures. Okay — maybe not the *first* thing. That would probably be the stellar stable of split-tails that they have on hand. Their chicks are all rising stars in the biz — Tori Black (one of my favorite brunettes), Mikayla (another one of my favorite brunettes), Hillary Scott, Dani Woodward, Jana Cova, Carli Banks — a star-studded cast to be sure. And that is only 1/1983 of their cast. I’m not kidding — they have over 11,900 porn stars available on this site. UN-FUCKING-REAL.
If you’re anything like me (God save your soul), you can’t get very far into the site without blacking out and “waking up” 20 minutes later with your pants around your ankles, an empty bottle of Jergen’s and a half-smoked square hanging from your lips. But if you have a little more self-control, you will notice that there are literally THOUSANDS of videos available on this site. Check this shit — they have over 4,900 hours of video which apparently is also 1.91 Terabytes (for all you dot com nerds). And those numbers will continue to grow, considering they update this motherfucker every single day of the fucking year. All 366 of them (it’s a leap year, remember?)! My cock is chapped just thinking about that shit.
Oh — and these sumbitches must be crazier than a shit-house rat — not only did they pay 200 billion for this site (or some shit), they are also practically giving away 3 day trials. $5.00 will get you one right now. I did the math, and that is about 1 penny for every 100 hours of porn (I didn’t say I did the math correctly, now did I?). It’s a little money for possibly the best porn site on the internet, that is for sure. Skip the bratwurst and fries today, Tubby, and buy yourself some porn instead.
This is it — the Grandaddy of all porn sites. It is impossible to forget the name, and after you first visit it will be impossible for you to forget the content too!
Visit the site: www.porn.com
They make special bras for fatties
The site: plumperfacials.com
The price:$1.00 trial, $34.95 month
The verdict: If you like ‘em big a sassy, this is for you! Sooooeeyyy!!!! 6 out of 10.
Holy fatties! Ever been hoggin’? You are about to go! Plumper Facials has some of the chunkiest broads ever to suck a cock on film. We always wonder why it is that chunkers try so hard to be “cute†instead of just grabbing a cock and going to town. They always try to poke a finger in their dimples or act coy. Give it up, fatties! Suck a dick and make us happy!
We cannot put it any better than the makers of the site themselves: “BBW, Big Lesbos, Dirty Dildo Play, Fat Ass Penetration, Heavyweight Sex ,Big & Bizarre Close-ups, Mammoth Hooters, 350+ pounds extreme, Big Black Mamas and Plumper Amateurs. Whether you are looking for fat amateurs hungry for cock or large ladies from the porn industry, we’ve got them all right here just for you! We have created one of the largest collections of BBW and fat images and video celebrating thousands of exclusive chubby images you won’t find anywhere else on the internet.”
Pretty much sums it up, huh? That is what it is all about. A nicely done plumper site if we do say so ourselves. They have a lot of videos and images and most all of them are all original, although we think the “stars” videos may come from elsewhere (do not quote us on that, it is just a guess). There are a lot of good amateurs for sure. For example, Tina was a massive broad that we found on this site. Tina was actually not too bad looking, but she was a whale. Easily over 2 bills, maybe 2and a half. But her face was pretty and she shaved her giant beaver, so that was good. She did try to pull that cutesy, coy shit that we hate, but when it got down to it she — like all fat chicks — knew how to use her mouth. She apparently pretended it was a big old, black ice cream cone and lick it down to nothing! Good work, fatty!
The membership fee for this one is $1.00for a trial and $34.95 for a month. That is great if you have the plumper fetish. IF you do not, then you will think it is a bunch of fat chicks getting pummeled. The good bonus is that there are several other sites that come free with your subscription (sorry—the rest of the girls are average to skinny), so it really is a decent deal!
If you like ‘em big a sassy, this is for you! Sooooeeyyy!!!!
Not all people raised by feral dogs are ugly.
The site: clubredlight.com
The price:$4.95 – 3 day trial
The verdict: It’s a preference thing — if you like pro style porn, you can’t find a better type of site than this. If you like amateur porn — fuck it, you’ll still get off — it’s damn near impossible not to! 10 out of 10.
1,720 video scenes29,915 high-res images
1,279 different ladies
1 really fucking sore cock.
Club Red Light is one of the Earth’s most fantastic creations. It’s the home of the ever-popular Red Light District video brand. Much like other video on demand sites, Club Red Light allows you to choose from hundreds of full length DVDs, download the ones you want, and head off to jerk-ville. You can download the whole movie, or cut the bullshit and take away only that one scene you like so much — you know, the one where that homeless guy jerks off on a stray cat. That’s hot.
The site is quite an impressive set-up, and geared toward the most serious of porn connoisseurs. Sure, a beginner can use it too, but the ability to search by video name, genre, series name, porn-star and even director, makes me think they are expecting some hardcore motherfuckers to visit. And they should be right — as even the most seasoned of you porn veterans out there should recognize this site as a fantastic score.
Not only do they have an incredibly impressive library, set-up and site — they also are the fastest site around with getting you the newest video updates. Where most other video-offering-sites require online viewers to wait a month or so after a video is released before they can view it online, Club Red Light/The Red Light District lets you see their new release THE SAME DAY THEY ARE RELEASED! Unheard of.
In case you are a retard and are not familiar with the Red Light District videos line, I can sum it up by telling you they are professional stars — FUCKING HOT professional stars — in high quality videos and scenes. No grainy amateur home videos here – -these folks spend the cash to bring you the perfect fantasies.
Some of the more notable series titles included on this site are Dick Puppets (featuring the astonishing crank of Mandingo), Brianna Love Oversexed (who doesn’t love Brianna Love?!?), Cream Pie Cuties, Cunt Gushers, Manuel Ferrara’s POV and dozens more. Some of the hottest titles in all of porn are available here.
Here’s the most incredible part — $4.95 THREE DAY TRIALS! Keep in mind the amount of shit they are offering — you can grab a LOT of frig material in 72 hours. Put it this way — remember in the old days (read: 1990s) when you have to go to the video store to rent porn? It cost you MORE than $4.95 to rent ONE 2 hour movie — and you were damn lucky if it lasted 2 hours even. Here, you get WAY more hours of porn than you could watch if you stayed up for the entire 72 hours — for the same price.
It’s a preference thing — if you like pro style porn, you can’t find a better type of site than this. If you like amateur porn — fuck it, you’ll still get off — it’s damn near impossible not to!
… 10 out of 10
Visit the site: www.clubredlight.com
Colossal Cumshots Sample Photo
The site: colossalcumshots.com
The price: $2.95 trial/ $39.99month
The verdict: Unfortunately, we would say this site is average. Lots of videos, but not the best ones we have seen. Worth a look, but we’ve seen better. 5 out of 10.
At the end of every good porn scene (unless it is a lesbian scene), we all wait for the grand finale. The big bang, so to speak. Do you ever get really into a porn scene, only to get ready for the big shot, and the guy peters out with a little pearl almost falling out of his dick? It is disappointing, isn’t it? Well, there is none of that shit going on here. Some of these Colossal Cumshots might even make Peter North himself proud!
The cost to join is $39.99, which is a little high in today’s market. The good news is that you can try it out for three days first for only $2.95, which is a damn good deal. There are plenty of videos, so you will not be shorted as far as that goes!
The videos are organized in a way that we hard a hard time with. They all are laid out in thumbnails, which is nice for easy shot selection. In doing that, however, they are only able to get one video on each page. There is no easy index to hop ahead ten pages for example, so you have to go page by page to look for one you really like. This is a pain in the ass and time consuming.
We did lots of that for you, however, and found one video in particular that you just might like! Cum in a Cup, posted September 8, 2005, was a nice little show! The starlet was a sexy brunette (with a hint of Asian possibly??), with a beefy pussy and good, big tits. She has a tasteful tattoo just above her gash, which is definitely a plus for us. She gets hammered in a reverse cowgirl, which as you know is one of our favorite positions for viewing! She is also a screamer…and we mean a screamer! As you may have guessed, he cums in a cup and…bottoms up!
We think that overall the video selection could have been a bit better. Many of them seemed dated and not of the best quality. They did all live up to the colossal cumshot, but some of them sacrificed quality for quantity…literally.
Unfortunately, we would say this site is average. Lots of videos, but not the best ones we have seen. Worth a look, but we’ve seen better.
… 5 out of 10
Visit the site: www.colossalcumshots.com
Cover My Face Sample Photo
The site: covermyface.com
The price:$29.95/month
The verdict: Yet another stellar output from the Brain Cash people. We would even recommend it to our mom! 9.5 out of 10.
Never has there been a more accurate URL in all of the world of adult internet as is the case with Cover My Face. This site specializes in multiple facials, as in one girl and a number of guys cumming on her face. The least amount of guys on one girl that we saw on this site was 10 and the most was one girl and — get this shit –TWETNY-NINE GUYS (more on that in a moment)! Now do you get it? We love the site, no doubt about it. This is the newest of the BrainCash sites, as they have now teamed up with Brandon Irons, the maker of Baker’s Dozen, another fine product. As a matter of fact, many of these are shot within that series. The idea is simple…get as many guys as possible to the point of no return and have them ALL cum on one girl’s face (sometimes 2, but that is more rare)…hence the name CoverMyFace! Now there are other girls in the videos, but they are merely fluffers and preparers, all of the cum goes onto one brave, sticky and strong-stomached girl!
Joining this site ($2.95 for a three day membership) will also get you access to all of the other Brain Cash network sites, which we have reviewed before and are all very, very, very good sites. (Cherry Potter, BangMeBoys, TheLuckyMan, IWantLatina, ShelbyBell,  FuckThatAsian, FeetFrenzy, AnnieBerry, ILoveItBlack, ClubVanessaBlue, LexSteele and DoghouseDigital). Yes, that’s right…ALL of them for the price of one. An unbeatable membership.
The thing that really got us was that these girls are truly top of the line. We have seen other multiple facial type sites in the past, but they would throw some skanks up there and shoot a couple of loads on them and go about their business. That was fine, until now. Now a new standard has been set, the gauntlet has been thrown down. The folks at CoverMyFace are daring anyone to try to get the quality of chicks they have to get on their knees in front of the camera for 10 or more guys to jizz on them. We admit…we wouldn’t be able to get it done! And we know a lot of people…
One of those super hotties is Trista Post, a small0titted brunette who knows how to deep throat as if she was born with no gag reflexes whatsoever! She is sexy as shit, especially when she is on her knees. She takes on TEN dudes in this one. Everywhere she turns there is another cock waiting to get plopped into her mouth. It is like Christmas for a BJ artist like herself. She has gorgeous eyes, but that matters not when they are closed to prevent the cum of 10 guys getting into them!
But then there is Missy Monroe. Oh Missy. First of all, the description — Missy is a sexy blonde vixen-like gal with nice, floppy tits and a bald goat. She is afraid of NOTHING in this business, as you will see when you watch her video. She takes it up the ass, snapper and obviously in the face. She handles the cum of TWENTY-NINE GUYS ATONCE!! If that is not enough, get this — one of her cohorts is there to help lick it off! We do not want to give any more of it away than necessary…but let’s just say that this is a video that you will always remember and you will certainly tell your friends about.
Yet another stellar output from the Brain Cash people. We would even recommend it to our mom!
… 9.5 out of 10
Visit the site: www.covermyface.com
Okay. I'll cum in her face
The site: cumintheface.com
The price:$29.95/Month
The verdict: Excellent site and part of a top notch, professional network. Very high maintenance type chicks. Well worth the fee. 8 out of 10.
Honestly, I don’t know how these chicks sit there and take a wad to the eye. Have you ever gotten all worked up at the computer and accidentally dotted your own eye? Yes you have, you fucking liars. Come on – nothing to be embarrassed about. But that shit stings, man. And in the nose hurts even more. But these chicks are taking load after load of the love chowder to the face. I say someone should nominate them for a medal or something…This is a Jules Jordan produced site. If that doesn’t mean anything to you, you need to sit down and listen closely. Jules is one of the PREMIERE producers in the adult industry. He’s won awards from several “academies†for Director of the Year on several occasions. He likes to have LONF takes, likes his fetishes (big butts being the main one, but there are others) and, my favorite, rarely uses music. I think music takes away from a porn scene…but that’s a long conversation for another day. You need some shit to jerk off to…NOW!
If you’re into facials, you’ll definitely find that something to jerk off to here. And since it’s Jules Jordan, do YOU think the chicks are going to be gutter balls? Didn’t think so. These gals are truly some of the hottest in the business. Shit – this guy works with Jenna Haze and Gina Lynn. As a matter of fact, when you join THIS site, you get access to both of those ladies’ sites as well – yes, their OFFICIAL sites. Fucking outstanding, huh? You bet that dick in your hand it is.
Well, the best video has to be, hmm…well, only the one where Jules fucks TWIN FUCKING SISTERS! Yeah – twin blonde sisters sharing a cock. Not those bullshit fraternal twins either – these sluts are identical. I tagged teamed a chick with my best friend once – but damn…sharing someone with a sibling is fucking FREAKY! Especially if you and your twin are hot blondes!
Excellent site and part of a top notch, professional network. Very high maintenance type chicks. Well worth the fee.
… 8 out of 10
Visit the site: www.cumintheface.com
Cum Fiesta Sample Photo
The site: cumfiesta.com
The price:$4.95 trial/ $24.95 month
The verdict: Sweet-faced amateurs getting fucked by pros. Long live pro-am porn! We give it a 9.5 out of 10.
Real amateurs getting fucked by big-dicked pros. That is it. No lame plots or dead time (i.e. time when fucking is not occurring), this site gets right to what you want and gives you your money’s worth.
The guys at Cumfiesta manage to “coax” some very attractive young females over to their house for a “fiesta.” Although the girls pretend to think they are showing up for a party, they are soon getting drilled by a guy that is usually hung like a jury. Most, if not all, of the girls are attractive and all are “real.” No corny music and very little rehearsed dialogue makes for a video of just plain, good old fashioned fuckin’.
There is the obligatory intro and interview, followed by the strip tease and touching, but all of that adds to the build-up as the girls gret ready to be plowed. The catch phrase comes into play at the end of each session, when the pro that is banging the “unsuspecting amateur” asks her if she is “ready for a fiesta,” and then pulls out and gives her a facial, which makes for a great ending to every movie.
Oh, and we almost forgot, there are no undesireables here. All of the fiesta girls are grade A beef. As a bonus, when you join this site you also get access to several other great “reality fuck” sites including, but not limited to, Mike’s Apartment, Big Naturals, The MILF Hunter, Captain Stabbin’ and more. Cumfiesta alone would be worth the price, but when you add these in it is hard to beat (no pun intended)! Sweet-faced amateurs getting fucked by pros. Long live pro-am porn!
We give it a … 9.5 out of 10
Visit the site: www.cumfiesta.com
Cum Filled Mouths
The site: cumfilledmouths.com
The price:$29.95 month
The verdict: A good swallowing site should always do well, as most of the guys we have come across want that, yet very few sites do it. The network it is a part of is also top notch. 9 out of 10.
Are you like us and wonder, “What the fuck?” when you see a good fuck scene, see a girl take a good load in the mouth, and then immediately spit it down the front of her chin? What the hell is that all about? Are you afraid you will catch something? Are you disgusted? I mean…you didn’t act all that grossed out when you were licking your own asshole juices from a stranger’s cock??? You were not spitting and gagging when you licked the hairy asshole of a man you met five minutes before? What gives??
If you feel just like that then you will be in for a little relief if you go to this site, Cum Filled Mouths. These girls are not afraid to swallow, and why should they be? They have taken plenty of this dude’s juices in already, one way or the other. They finish the job RIGHT, god damnit!! And not only do they swallow…they let it sit in their mouths a while first for good measure. They show it to us and are proud of what they have accomplished! That pride is just not common enough these days!
This is another amateur feel site from the gang at Meat Members. These guys do a really great job at shooting a movie in what we call “amateur style.” It has the look and feel of a husband and wife alone in their bedroom, but in reality it is the farthest thing from that. They do just a wonderful job at it though! We pat them on the back yet again.
And speaking of those guys, Meat Members also has a spectacular deal when it comes to their site, including this one (Cum Filled Mouths).Join this site — or ANY of their FORTY sites — and you get access to ALL of the forty sites…for only $29.95 per month. That’s it. Nothing more. You get access to over a MILLION MBs of video porn, ALL downloadable, for that price. And it is good shit too…not a bunch of someone else’s junk thrown on a site. This is all original and all hot chicks.
IF you guys want to see a girl that is NOT born to be in the business, but that works out in a great way for us, the viewer, meet Kathleen Kruz. Hell, even her name doesn’t fit. For all we know that may actually be her real name! Anyway, Kathleen is very cute and extremely innocent, which is why we say she is not made for the business. You can tell from watching her that she is way out of her element. And god damn that makes it so much sexier! She is like a girl that needs to be taught a lot…and we are more than willing to teach her if she would only let us. Don’t be confused…we do not mean that she is sloppy or bad at working the cock. She has just obviously not been doing this very long at all and seems so fucking innocent! We love her! Hopefully she will remain that real.
If that bothers you and you want a girl made for this shit…Britney Madison is the way to go on this site. We will not expand too much on that, other than to say that she profess her love for sucking cock, eating cum and teasing boys. She’s hot!
A good swallowing site should always do well, as most of the guys we have come across want that, yet very few sites do it. The network it is a part of is also top notch.
… 9 out of 10
Visit the site: www.cumfilledmouths.com
Cum Hogs Sample Photo
The site: cumhogs.com
The price:$24.95/month
The verdict: Good, high quality site with the kind of bitches I like – bitches that are hot and put in their place. 8.5 out of 10.
Despite its name, this site in no way features the fucking of any barnyard animals. That would be fucking disgusting. Is that what you were looking for, you sick fuck you? If I was there right now, I’d shove your fucking face right into the fucking keyboard. Oh – you were just looking for chicks in pig noses getting cummed on? Oops…sorry about that – well, you found what you were looking for!Destitute sluts wearing plastic pig noses and taking stranger-cum to the face. Sound like your idea of a electrifying boner tussle? Me too – and that’s what kind of degrading shit you can count on at this site, Cum Hogs. Lots of great fucking, and tons more great sucking, with a cum shot to the pig nose at the end of it all.
You will immediately notice the fantastic camera work on this site. Up close shots, great angles, crisp, clear – really, really nice work. I don’t generally get excited about pro material like this, but I did take notice of the differences here as compared to many other sites, and really liked it.
My favorite semen swine here was Madison. It is not slutty enough for Madison to appear on the internet wearing a fake pig nose and sucking the ball juice out of a guy she just met seconds prior to the camera rolling – Madison also showed up in a shirt proudly announcing, “I Love Dick!†Classy! But I still lover her blonde locks, small tits and accommodating gash.
The great thing about this site, besides the mental and physical domination of street urchins like Madison up there, is that all of the content is 100% exclusive. That means these fuckers OWN these bitches, and you will not see these videos on any other site. Oh, and the fact that it costs less than $25 per month is pretty fucking neat too – -especially considering the fact that you get 25 ADDITIONAL sites for that one low price.
Good, high quality site with the kind of bitches I like – bitches that are hot and put in their place.
… 8.5 out of 10
Visit the site: www.cumhogs.com
(9.5/10)