Funny Matters.

I bet  Adam and Eve fucked constantly. I mean – is there anything in the history of human nature to suggest otherwise? Two naked people frolicking around, unsupervised. No public indecency laws, no one to stop them. I bet Adam used to cum all over that bitch’s face too – and occasionally donkey punch her.  That’s what I bet.

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I have this unconventional urge to, at some point in my life — probably right near the end of it — stick my cock into a wild boar’s mouth. Can’t really tell you why – it’s just a nagging desire that I’m going to have to satisfy one day. Maybe I can find a nice one, or one that really likes sucking man-cock. Or maybe he will shred my dong like confetti. Either way, I have to get it done some day.

What does that have to do with porn?  Not much, except for the cock part.  Well, that and a fellating boar would give rise to a possible adult web site.  And it would probably fall into the BDSM category if it were to happen, I’d guess.  So as you wait for my breathtaking adventure, warm yourself up with some BDSM porn.

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Do vaginas even come with hair anymore, or have chicks just evolved into slick, bald, hairless-pussied beings? I haven’t seen a pussy hair since 1982, when I accidentally walked in on my grandma jamming a Mello Yello bottle into her sliver snatch. I’m cool with it….just wondering why they haven’t mentioned this evolution on CNN or some shit.

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Have you ever constructed a fake pussy or asshole? If not, take pen to paper. You’ll need a jar of Vaseline, a tube sock, some fresh hay and a Thermos. I’m sure you can figure out what to do from there.

Speaking of fake sex pieces and parts, I didn’t have any of the aforementioned materials available to me one day, so I bought this lovely little machine.  It’s easily the best thing that I have put my dick into since I butt fucked that confused Portuguese woman at the laundromat.

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I once beat off for 1 hour and eleven minutes before I was able to cum. I fucked up and joined a porn site featuring retarded, hirsute chicks in wheelchairs. I had no idea that I was not turned on by that sort of thing. I finally got a nut when the chick in the electric wheelchair shit herself and started clapping and crying at the same time.

Speaking of wheelchairs and boners and cripples and such — check out this overachiever.

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I am away from my comfort zone this week.  I had to go out of town, and when I do that it fucks up my entire masturbatory and prostitute fucking/maiming schedule.  I hate it, but sometimes it’s necessary to let things cool off, throw the pigs off the trail, etc.

But there is a silver lining.  Not only do I get to manhandle strange prostitutes like a drifter with a lion’s temper and a gold card, I also get to whack my dangler to mobile porn on my fancy little smart phone.

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Newsflash — your Mom likes to get fucked. I don’t care how sweet she is or how old she is or how much of a prude she is, she likes the dick. Your particular mother probably likes a couple of fingers in her ass as well, but that’s neither here nor there.  Point being — age and motherhood don’t stop your Mom from craving hard, big throbbing dick.  And lucky for all of us, some people’s Mom’s — including yours — love to get fucked on the internet for money.  

I have compiled a list of what I believe are the top 10 MILF sites on the world wide web.  In fact, it’s not only what I believe, it’s the fucking gospel.  Why?  Well, who else do you know that sits around all day and looks and this shit, then makes lists about it?  That’s what I thought.  Therefore, my list is THE word.  Read it.  Then go beat off on some MILF pixels.

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Have you ever gone on a beat-off bender and just flogged your dick again and again and again?  I don’t know what it is lately, but I’ve been on a 2 week frig-a-thon that has me averaging about 7 masturbation sessions per day.  I’ve been beating off to anything that even remotely resembles sex.  Last week I saw a commercial for KFC and their new boneless breasts.  It made me think of tits.  I jerked off.

Then just yesterday, I was standing in line at the post office.  I looked out the window and saw lady drop a medium-sized package into the mail box.  It made me think of butt fucking a 6’2″, black dominatrix.  I rubbed my trouser-front until I came in my pants.

I’ve got to take an extended break from frigging.  My cock looks like a raw chicken leg that’s been whittled down to the bone with a dull piece of sheet metal, then dipped in a bucket of pig’s blood and mayonnaise.

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Last time I left ol’ Granny’s place
It was awkward, to say the least
We small-talked a bit, but it was hard to ignore
That her ass was all bloody and greased

So I stayed away from Grandma’s place
For a good 6 months, it is true
But I’ll be damned if I didn’t head back
The moment my balls turned to blue.

Knocked on the door, surprised her a bit
She came to the door in a thong
And hanging down between her legs
Was a 16 inch rubber dong

She greeted me with a wet, sloppy kiss
Looks like we’d begin where we stopped
I slipped a finger up into her ass
She did the same, then we swapped

Went down to the floor, never closed the door
She pulled out my crank, it was hard
She jerked it around for a minute or two
Then shoved it into her back yard.

That surprised me a bit, she usually lubed
But if she liked it, I was fine with it too
Turns out she was a little slick anyway
She’d forgotten to wipe off the poo

We rolled around for a while or so
She came, then I followed suit
Gave her a smack and rose to my feet
She let out a bubbly poot

Once again it was awkward when I had to go
What do you say after that?
She gave me a pie and a quick Johnny tug.
I shot my load on her cat.

As I drove off I had a terrible thought
Was that the last time I’d be in her fanny?
Who knew, but if it was I can say
I’ll always remember butt fuckin’ granny.

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