Funny Matters.

If you click this picture, I PROMISE this gross hog is not the type of lesbian you will see.

If I had a pussy, I would definitely store things in it. I often wonder why more women don’t carry cash in their cunts. Unless you get robbed AND raped, no one would ever think to look there. Loose change may be a problem, but if you got enough of it maybe it could act as a makeshift pair of Ben-wa balls.

Here are some hot chicks that store other chicks’ tongues in their vaginas.

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Napoleon's mistress

I’m thinking about taking out a Craig’s List ad to get some chicks to fuck me on video. Wanted: Extremely desperate sluts who like to suck cock, ride boners, take balls to the face and then get the fuck out without bitching about how hard I smacked you. Must be hot – -at least 7 on a scale of 1 to 10. Will pay up to $20 per slut.

Too forward?

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Fuckin' POW!

Then there are ass men.  Ass men are not as hell bent, but are very particular. They do not have their eyes pop out of their head and their tongue roll down to the ground in cartoon fashion when they see a great ass, as the tit guys do when they see a huge set of guns. Instead they slyly take a long, hard look, almost like taking a long, satisfying drag off of a cigarette and they simply say, “Damn. That is one fine ass.”

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Go go to the buffet line and get you some calories, Girl!

It’s the day after the day after Christmas, and I am feeling less than creative.  Make up a funny, think about it now, laugh – then go beat off to this underprivileged slut.

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Little Johnny Blew

Little Johnny had a habit,
To me ’twas quite taboo
Everywhere that Johnny went,
Little Johnny blew

He couldn’t help himself it seems
Get near a dick and he’d suck it
Come man, come beast, come anything else
He’d grab it and shrug and say, “Fuck it.”

Without asking twice he’d handle your junk
Sink it to the back of his face
He’d go slow at first, caressing your balls
Then move at a quickening pace

And it didn’t matter if you were a gent
Or a hobo that smelled like a turd
He showed no favorites — if you had a dick
He’d suck it and swallow your curd

Take the following tale about John
One of many that makes sailors blush
A story as true as the day is long
Though the God-folk try to keep it hush-hush:

One Sunday Johnny went to church
Hornier than a goat
Walked right up to the preacher man
And opened up his throat.

The preacher obliged and Johnny knelt down
He sucked on the preacher’s spire
Then Johnny took a great big gulp…
and headed for the choir

When he was done with every last one
He strolled down the aisle, out the door
The uncomfortable feeling was as thick as a fog
As the altar boys rose from the floor

The place was never quite the same
Congregation was left in the lurch
I heard even later they changed the name
To the Westboro Baptist Church

Johnny is gone now, his story is lore
But I swear every word, it is true
‘Till the day he died, everywhere he went
Little Johnny blew.

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Eat some dick.

Why do they call it a “dick?” My initial thought was the old “Dick & Jane” books — but then no one calls a vagina a “jane.” I wish they did…”That dude stuck his dick so far up in that bitch’s jane, I thought she was gonna cry!” And really…there should be a better, more appropriate word for a big, black cock. “Dick” sounds like a white accountant’s cock. I suggest either a “Reggie,” a “Darnell,” or a “Roosevelt.”

Here’s Peter North.  He’s got one of the most famous darnells ever.  I’m straight, but I might give it a little slurp, given the chance.

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Feliz Navidad, Motherfuckers!

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If some fat chick came up to you on the street and offered you $500 to stick it to her, you’d fucking do it, right? God damn right you would.   And I don’t give a skunk’s cunt about how fat she was either.  She could be pushing 3 bills, and if she offered you $500, you’d drop a nut in that hog faster than you can say “Hostess Snack Cakes.”

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I exploited many, many chicks in college. One time in particular, I convinced a chick that I was the sole heir to a shipping magnate’s fortune. Then I convinced her that she needed to let me fuck or or she would be murdered. I followed that up with tricking her into letting me stick my three longest toes into her asshole. Finally, I talked her into letting me simultaneously cum in her nostril and hit her as hard as I could with a ball peen hammer. College chicks RULE!

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